W
hen people find you not beneficial to them you will be discarded. This was the hardest lesson I've learned this 2022 and it's been 3 months. It's a lot. I have been trying to digest things from the previous months and I find it too nerve-wracking. I don't understand the universe's works at the moment.
There are so many things that had happened to me in the first two months of this year, and I felt compelled to write this down so that as I go and make another reflections in the coming years or months I would be able to wander with wonder, how fascinating these experiences are for me.
But as this year's February close, I'm closing circles and letting assumed situations go, as I chose not to include them to cloud my mind.
I validated my artistry through Pukot sa Pangandoy, an installation art that aims to create a platform for the discussion of dreams.
I've already talked about these stuffs here and it dawn on me that I was so obsessed with silly things that have been preventing me from growing maturely, as a person and as human being. I never realized it until now. It was frustrating for me, as I see the light with clarity that at some points where the joy and the invalidities of memories, versions existed, I, myself was so blind to see that they were red flags.
But as this year's February close, I'm closing circles and letting assumed situations go, as I chose not to include them to cloud my mind.
I validated my artistry through Pukot sa Pangandoy, an installation art that aims to create a platform for the discussion of dreams.
I had closures with my obsession with Tatadaem and Chito Samontina's presumed love team.
I dyed my hair to the most shocking purple shade.
I'm validating the hurt, allowed myself to recuperate, by loving things which are not necessarily connected to the daily dallies of my life.
I came in with closures and full circles with things.
As I came into realizations, that at some point, I was and will become.
I cannot remember the last time I created a gratitude list.
In this journal I was able to coin such as Gratitude Fridays, listing down
things that made me grateful in a certain week and post the list on a Friday. I
found myself going back to such activity for there were certain ups and downs
that I did experience and writing it somewhere in the cyberspace as a mind
breather activity helps.
Today’s 31st but it is the last day of January 2021, I felt lost and
maybe looking into the things that I am thankful and writing it down might help
in easing the “feeling lost” emotion. So here are some of the the things that made this list an almost gratitude Friday.
- Meeting Ma’am Harry, Ate Donna, Judyland and Frenny Given, for the first time this January.
- Going back to the station for the Division of Davao De OroRadio Based Instruction Program Radyo Z-eskwela at Z Radio. Getting our own shirts for RBI.
- Collaboration with local youth development for Panag-ambit, a National Arts Month Celebration for our town.
- Coming out of home quarantine.
- Hearing a DJ greeting you on air also greeting your mom.
- Reading Homebody by Rupi Kaur.
- Helping co-teacher on the things they can develop.
- Virtual Meeting together with Microsoft Education Ambassadors of the Region XI, being tapped to do another task related to that meeting.
- Rain, for cuddle weather during work from home schedules.
- Watching students’ submission for their final outputs. Getting excited to receive submission from them.
- Brewing two school-related activities.
- Finding out that TeachTech Nabunturan and Richard Arellano Nabunturan term is now redirected to another blog site I made for a passion project.
- Eating singkamas.
- Walking the main streets of Poblacion.
- Finishing an online course at Coursebank.ph
- Almost completing this list.
Endorsing milk teas.
I guess. I do not know, I just felt that it is contrived in a sense that I felt I am not that of an influencer type of person, I never dreamed of
becoming the Nabunturan version of Jane Aldridge of the Sea of Shoes or TriciaGosingtian, I just love the idea of sharing, not because of earning perks but for the
sake of telling stories. Influencers are tapped because they have different ways
of telling stories and that is what I like about influencers, they have stories to tell.
This was supposed to be a gratitude journal post but it
turned out something way more different than I expected but the thing is I love
the eventualities of my life for this month and that was important. February here I come.
This question struck a chord in me. Because, I strongly
believe reasons are never enough why you fell in love, and a number is never
the measures of how much you deeply love a person. You fall in love and it happened.
To say how much you love a person, is immeasurable.
I am not talking with people whom I used to talk to, and I
don’t know why, maybe my reasons are shallow and I wish not to speak of it. Maybe
there is something wrong with me or maybe there is something wrong with them.
I am writing this piece, maybe to cope, maybe also to escape
the reality I help shape.
I hope that I’m not slowly ripped off with the things I’ve worked
hard for, how I wish I was not, that would be a double heart break.
I wish not to write anymore, but a good friend has told me,
I need to work on with this gift. I don’t know if it really is a gift. Or do I have. I wish not to talk about the scale
of how much love or the reason I fell, it just happened. And I cannot find my
way back, I’m lost.
I wanted to draw the line, and
I felt that was excruciating. I wonder
at the idea of how did things did not worked. I thought facing the truth head
on will shed light. But brokenness went in and I have no clear back up on how
to navigate in the crazy turns.
I felt hope flew, telling me
to let go.
I wanted to retreat, to go
back to the comforts of my own walls, plastered with goals not with pictures of
the memories that cut through my melancholic soul.
I wanted reprieve.
I wanted reprieve.
I needed saving from the insanity
that these feelings are causing me.
I’m lost in the familiarity of
things.
I’m lost in the memories that
I wished to continue.
I’m lost in these memories
that I longed to be repeated.
I’m looking for my sanity in places that are so familiar to me.
I’m looking for my sanity in places that are so familiar to me.
And it hit me; to move forward
is to acknowledge the effects of the action.
It was never I thought it would be.
The hurt will hurt unless you face it that it hurts. Painful, it is. And that is the point where you draw the line.
You pick up pieces of yourself and patch it. Sew it together with wallpapers filled with memories that you thought are but otherwise.
It was never I thought it would be.
The hurt will hurt unless you face it that it hurts. Painful, it is. And that is the point where you draw the line.
You pick up pieces of yourself and patch it. Sew it together with wallpapers filled with memories that you thought are but otherwise.
I will never be the strong
person I wanted to be, not now, but soon.
I’m painting that line now.
Sunset in Barangay San Isidro, Nabunturan, Compostela Valley |
There were questions that we can not answer, and there were questions that need not to be answered. These were our thoughts that came up as our lips touch the sliced pizzas that were served to us by the newly opened pizza place here in Nabunturan, Pizza Kaya. The owners are from the neighboring city of Palms, Tagum. Opening up the secret was hard, it was, but what fascinates me is that the two fragile beings were kind enough to listen. I’m sharing this, for me lessen the burden. It’s stressful. I’m writing it down, to come in terms with it and to know that this shall pass.
I always get asked with the question, why?. And I would racked up my brain and come up with a constructed answer. But little did I know that that question was vital. Important in such way, it framed an idea on how I live a part of my life.
There are certain things at the moment that have been stretching my mind, it is restructuring ideas and views of certain aspects that I have been battling with since I made myself a point that my own definition of success is: contributing in nation building.
To go or not to go, is another phrase that have been bothering me since then. It was a reaction to certain details that have been happening in the journey. It is never a question of happiness, I am contented, but to see things that has been veering away from the structured views I am seeing made the walls, that I made and have been protecting me since day one, to slowly crumble.
I love the journey. I love who's in charge, and I love the dedication that everyone is putting in. But what made the whole journey so bumpy, is the inability of who is in front to see the bumps that must be hurdled, slowly. The passengers could see other bumps but is afraid to say to slow down, that it may cause them something so dear in their heart. There is chaos. A violent one. And to pacify it may cause brokenness. And to pick up the pieces means bleeding oneself. As much I would like to speak but it may only hurdle.
I want to come out whole. Battered may be, but in one piece. I see beauty in a structure, and if that structure is slowly falling down, I look up in the sky and ask the same question that have been asked to me, why.
There are certain things at the moment that have been stretching my mind, it is restructuring ideas and views of certain aspects that I have been battling with since I made myself a point that my own definition of success is: contributing in nation building.
To go or not to go, is another phrase that have been bothering me since then. It was a reaction to certain details that have been happening in the journey. It is never a question of happiness, I am contented, but to see things that has been veering away from the structured views I am seeing made the walls, that I made and have been protecting me since day one, to slowly crumble.
I love the journey. I love who's in charge, and I love the dedication that everyone is putting in. But what made the whole journey so bumpy, is the inability of who is in front to see the bumps that must be hurdled, slowly. The passengers could see other bumps but is afraid to say to slow down, that it may cause them something so dear in their heart. There is chaos. A violent one. And to pacify it may cause brokenness. And to pick up the pieces means bleeding oneself. As much I would like to speak but it may only hurdle.
I want to come out whole. Battered may be, but in one piece. I see beauty in a structure, and if that structure is slowly falling down, I look up in the sky and ask the same question that have been asked to me, why.
She's the one third of Messy Bessy.
She shared to us that the secret to a successful social enterprise is a combination of these three aspects: social impact + social innovation + sustainability.
Meeting the other Social Entrepreneurs
The whole experience was a beautiful exchange of insightful ideas. I was learning from others, I was able to get in touch with people whose causes seemed to get aligned with mine. Balaybalay 3D and Balud Books of Swito Twins Designs were Davao-based social enterprise that I can relate to because they are also advocating the preservation of culture from tribes all around Mindanao. Alfonga Pottery and Green Trikes(in its ideation stage) were cooperatives I got to share my views with. NACES Mindanao and Panginam o Bangsamoro Incorporated were cultural education initiatives that I got to get inspiration from. RisPh and Virtualahan are enterprises I hope that will soon exist in Nabunturan. John Louie and Cheryl of Balay Mindanaw, Melon of Gat's Garden, Liezel of Juana Urban Food Farming, Doc Budji of Balay Sa Hardin, Ma'am Grace of Heaven Scents, Queen of Append, and Sir Richard Celeste of FundGrow.ph were social enterprises that I got mingle with. Also Cheryl, Katrina Kendall- Miss Earth London 2015, Sir Romulo, Ma'am Crina were inspiring social entrepreneurs too.
The Pitching
We were able to pitch our own enterprise to Richard Rejas, Angel Flores, Marge Defensor, Chris So and Berns Uy with Apa documenting everything that is happening on the hall. I was the last person to pitch where I felt I was thrown in a pool full of sharks.
Tribal Performance
We were able to see tribes from Northern Mindanao, perform with their own musical instruments and see them sway with their own cultural dances. We also had the chance to converse with them, how it was different it was before.
The activities.
We are able to share our own strengths and weaknesses, express our own creativity on some activities, get hold of our listening skills getting facts, feelings and purposes. Also watched videos related to the creation of social enterprises. We mapped our community and site areas in our enterprise that is needed to be supported. We discuss market competition and the importance of our why.
We were able to define that a social entrepreneur should be resilient, passionate, engaging and a catalyst.
The exchange of idea and the realization that my social entrepreneur personality was a mixture of social missionary and innovator was an eye opener, that I have to work on some aspect of my manager side but not to be the whole of the three personalities. Because according to Marge, a business fails because the businessman tries to become the whole three personalities.
The whole team got to see Rhyan Casino's Dire Husi, a social enterprise that utilize art with holistic approach in getting street children out of the streets.
Looking Forward to.
The only thing that I really want to happen is that I hope I can really achieve in doubling the weavers around C.H.A.I.N. and I hope I can launch the Chain Shoes soon.
Messages to the organizer.
To miss Marge, I still don't believe that you look younger than your age. To miss Angel you reminded me of someone who gives me so much laugh way back college. To sir Richard, I think that our names will not mean "a strong courageous king" anymore, it will be change to " a change maker". To Apa, I can relate to you much because my functions here in our place seems to be like yours, photographer/image editor/ and videographer. To Chris, I will be learning the technicalities of those financial statements. To miss Berns, you gave me the biggest push I have receive this year thank you very much. Your team has been a wonderful and the kindest bunch I've met. I am forever grateful to the all of you for making the 4 day workshop a memory worth keeping.
To the social entrepreneurs all around Mindanao, thank you for making the whole four days a wonderful journey.
It was said that the social enterprise is a global movement, that I am a part of it now. The hours of travelling to Northern Mindanao were worth it, I felt validated with the fact that British Council Philippines have chosen me to experience Active Citizens: Leaders for Social Impact Mindanao leg.
Image 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
A whole new world open to me. Seeing them unfold is scary. I really don't feel it as something that is life threatening but this has been imagination set to life. I felt like a kid not wanting people to see something I am working on. But to give others what I'm up to I'm sharing what has been inspiring me, I'm setting my foot on the path I first love.
I hope you are doing what you must do. I'm scaring the hell out of me.
Let's get emotional, shall we? I've tried my very best to hold on to things. But time has its own funny ways of telling me, KEEP calm and keep moving on. So, here how this goes:
I'm going to miss the early morning public utility vehicle ride.
I'm going to miss the not so early evening public utility vehicle ride.
I'm going to miss the questioning, the answers, and the waiting.
I'm going to miss talking, a lot of it.
I'm going to miss the walking, and the wishing moments how I wish there was an elevator ride.
But the feelings of missing these things have reminded me that there are certain memories and routines that I have to do let go in order for me to grow. The knowing and the reading will still linger on the fact that I love ideas, I read a lot of it.
One last thing, Goodbye is the hardest.
I'm going to miss the early morning public utility vehicle ride.
I'm going to miss the not so early evening public utility vehicle ride.
I'm going to miss the questioning, the answers, and the waiting.
I'm going to miss talking, a lot of it.
I'm going to miss the walking, and the wishing moments how I wish there was an elevator ride.
But the feelings of missing these things have reminded me that there are certain memories and routines that I have to do let go in order for me to grow. The knowing and the reading will still linger on the fact that I love ideas, I read a lot of it.
One last thing, Goodbye is the hardest.